How, and why, to write a Legacy Letter

In my mid-thirties, I began to accept the idea that my death might be imminent. I could feel it coming, as I struggled with an unexpected health crisis, which I wrote about here.

When I thought I wasn’t going to make it, when I’d pass out, or couldn’t breathe, I only worried about my young son. I felt I had lived an incredible life, overcoming and experiencing far more than what felt like my fair share, in just a few decades on this earth. I had so many happy moments. I had traveled to the places on my bucket list. I had made the best of friends and had many priceless, happy memories with them. I achieved more career success than I ever thought someone of my background and beginnings would get to.

So when stabbing pains in my chest sent alarm bells to my brain that this might be my last day, I didn’t think of me. I didn’t think, “I need more time.” I had no regrets, no notion that it would be unjust to pass before mid-life.

I only thought of my son (who was around five, at the time.) I couldn’t bear the thought of him missing me, of missing his life’s moments. I desperately wanted to be there for him his whole life. I didn’t want him wondering what I might have said in each of his life’s key moments.

The moments I thought I wouldn’t make it through, came on suddenly and unexpectedly. While fighting to breathe, I would try to think of what I should say to him to help best ease his grief. I panicked to try and come up with what would be most helpful to him, flustered and in pain.

Later on, having more time and clarity, I wrote up the ways I wanted his father to help him deal with his grief, should it happen:

I asked him to take our son for walks, and ask him to shake his arms and legs like a bird shaking off water, because this can relieve stress and keep emotions from storing in the body.

I asked him to tell him that even when he can’t see me, I’ll be with him; that my love will wrap him up when he’s sad. That my heart will always be with him, and looking out for him.

I asked him to explain that he must take care of himself, of both his body and soul, because he is what I care most about, and have devoted so much of my life to. That he must always take good care of my beloved baby for me.

I asked him to expose our son to other kids who’ve also lost their mom, so he knows he’s not alone or unfairly punished. I wanted him to read novels where the characters have lost a parent, to know that he can recover and find happiness again.

I asked him to take him to all the places I love in Paris, and to see the sunset in beautiful places around the world, like Tuscany.

I asked him to always kiss him twice each day, once for him, and once for me.

I realized I needed to start writing down things I wanted him to know. I came across the idea of a legacy letter, a letter that, should you unexpectedly pass, it can be delivered to them. That way they can have your advice and last words, whether or not they get the chance to in person. We don’t want to think about it, but the reality is tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. So to never find yourself panicked about coming up with your last words, or worse, facing the end, knowing you won’t get the chance to say them, I think this can provide such great comfort.

I know that it’s depressing to think about. It makes me tear up every time I think about it. However, the idea of not getting to say the most important things you want to say if something unexpected happens would be worse. I’ve read about children who were able to receive a legacy letter post-unexpected loss of a parent, and how incredibly grateful and life-changing it was for them. It seems to provide a powerful sense of closure for the child that can change the trajectory of their healing. As a parent, if you think about this, you’ll easily understand the why.

Now the how. As you can imagine, this will likely be painful, but there are benefits of thinking with the end in mind. It can help you feel grateful for your health, and years of life as they accumulate. Imaging the worst can help keep less important things in perspective. My hope is that it provides you with gratitude for being here, a part of their lives, while reminding you to hug them tight and tell them how much they mean to you.

So first, think about if you were to die: what would you want to say to your loved ones? What beliefs, bits of wisdom, and memories would you want to share? How would you want to guide them through their grief? What should they know about you, and your story? What moments in the rest of their life would you miss most, and what advice would you want to have given during those moments or milestones? Here are some ideas:

-Their 10th, 16th, 18th, & 21st birthday’s

-Graduations

-Applying for college, figuring out what to major in and how to navigate choosing a path in life

-Their first major heartbreak

-A painful big fight with a best friend

-Fighting or struggling with their other parent/caregiver

Ideally, you would have this letter in a few places (I recommend digital and physical copies) and make sure someone knows about it in addition to your will and wishes for a ceremony. Since I would like my body donated to science, I would like mine delivered after a small potluck of family and friends, where people can go around and say a few words of goodbye. It’s okay to cry, I want everyone to get it out, but I’d like cheerful music playing, and lots of pictures of good memories hung up, because I feel so lucky to have had such a wonderful life. I want my son to read the letter, and then close his eyes and imagine being in my arms, because I am not gone, I am still there anytime he (or anyone else) wants to close their eyes and be together again.

Below is some of my legacy letter to my son, in case it helps inspire anyone else.

My Dearest Sebastien, 

My sweetheart. My love. Mon’ange. I am crying writing this, as I know life can come at us completely unexpectedly. You only know a small amount of how much I suffered, of how difficult life was for me. I too, have felt the weight of incredible emotional pain. But experience taught me that it always passes. I want you to feel how my soul is with you now, and for my words to stay with you always. There is nothing to fear. Everything is going to be okay, my Bassy boy. My best friend.

I made you a list of books to read (on Pinterest.) I learned that there isn’t a problem in life that you can’t read your way through. Grief, confusion, spirituality, there is infinite and endless wisdom collected in books from all of humanity’s experiences with the same challenges you’ll face. You’re not alone in them. Along the way, I’ve saved books I’ve found valuable, but I’ve found that books contain help for anything you might need. I’ve learned so much from reading. It is our own search for knowledge that can teach you better than even I could have. I have a draft of the book I was writing on my Google docs. If I haven’t finished it, still read it, as I’ve put so many things I’ve learned as lessons in there. I’ve also left thoughts on my Instagram captions for you over the years. There are so many important memories of us there. We had an incredible, happy life together. You and I are a love that is eternal, everlasting, and unbreakable by death. 

I would love for you to have children if you can. It is so hard at times, but for me, it has been the most worthwhile part of human life, and the only way to truly understand the human species. To see a human come into the world on day one, and grow each step of the way is indescribable. You are the best thing I’ve ever done, and you surprised me every single day with how wonderful and amazing you were. I could have never imagined the love I would feel for you, until I experienced it.

Above all else, pick a good person to raise your children with. Your father is such a good man. We didn’t last forever as a couple, but we did as friends, and I still love him very much. Knowing you have a good man for a father was the best choice I ever made. Find someone who cares for others more than themselves, and that pushes you to be a better man. Find someone that feels like home, and be endlessly good to and grateful for them.

Please know that I am at peace, happy, and with you, and that if you are reading this then the universe granted me my ultimate wish, and took me instead of you. All my heart ever wished was for out of life was for me to suffer, rather than you. The thought that you were okay gave me so much peace when I was sick. I don’t know if I could ever survive losing you, the magnitude of a mother’s love is just so great, unable to ever be understood in full. So if you are reading this, then the universe saved me from having to worry about my baby. I am the lucky one, at peace, while you have the toughest work of having to bear the pain of missing me, and I’m so sorry for that. But you are alive as I prayed dearly for, and getting to experience life, like I dreamt for you. This is what I wanted most.

I have suffered incredible pain, the deepest hopelessness, the worst anxiety, shame, and all of the worst possible human emotions. The key is to know, they always end. They always pass. If there is any way to embrace them as part of this wonderful human experience, and see them as something that will 100% make you stronger in the end, then try to do that in the moments of them, because they will. You will suffer, but my heart, and my strength, are inside you. You are a warrior.

You are a better version of me, my amazing boy- you will always be okay. I will be working from the background to ensure it. Never feel alone, because you never will be. My love for you cannot be contained in just my human body. It’s so big and powerful that I think it could fill the entire universe.

Shake your body like a little bird for me. Shake off some of the pain that is trying to store in your body, so you don’t have to feel it very long. Go for a walk with music, and cry a lot. Get it out. It will stop hurting, everything does. Scream if you need to. Don’t let bad feelings bury deep in you, because they are too painful to express. You can handle them.

A walk, a good night’s sleep, a sunset, some nature, and a swim in the ocean can medicate and cure most things in life. Find the things that uniquely help you heal, from art to meditation, writing, sports, etc. I hope organized religion isn’t the answer, at least, don’t believe everything they tell you. Think for yourself my bright, amazing boy. You are so wise, find your own answers inside yourself, by exploring different ideas that make sense to you about life and the universe.

It is so tempting when you’re hurt, but don’t get sucked into the cheap thrills of escapism: games, online worlds, drugs, etc. They will only harm the little one that I want so badly to protect and see heal. Your body is like a houseplant, it needs real nutrients, fresh air, and lots of sunlight. I’ve spent so much of my life’s energy caring for you, for your mind and your body, so please take care of it for me from now on out. Stretch it, move it, feed it lots of fruits and veggies. 🙂 For me, baby.

Hold yourself to a high standard, but don’t care what anyone else thinks. There is no pillow as soft as a clear conscience. Don’t ever let society rob you of happiness, for even one day. Humans are very bad at knowing what’s going to make them happy, but it is your natural state. Usually, all we need to do is remove the pressures and expectations of society, and there it is, waiting for us. Joy is not complex, it’s found in a hug, beautiful flowers, a great book, or just the sight of the mountains. Simply being good to other people and accepting of yourself, is enough. You are perfect.

I cannot explain the joy that loving you has brought me, the unimaginable happiness looking into your eyes, seeing your smile, rubbing your soft skin, and scratching your back every night. I doubt you’ll remember, but your whole life we have cuddled day and night, you in my arms for hours, melted together like one. The love and happiness that you brought me, I had never experienced before.

I need you to know that when my body is gone, all that love I couldn’t stop showing you physically, is still there. All you need to do is close your eyes and imagine it, to see it in your mind’s eye, and you will feel it because it is unending. We will always be together, we are soulmates. You will have many, keep an eye out for them and hold them dear.

I want you to know that every ounce of love, and every bit of work and effort I did in raising you, was to teach you how to reconnect with the incredible lightness and joy that you came into this world with. Your smile lit everyone’s hearts, and I need you to keep doing that for people. Every bit of work I did in trying to raise you was to give you skills, so that no matter what happens to you, no matter how much grief, pain, shame, sadness, hopelessness, or anger comes your way, you can release it, and reconnect to that natural joy and happiness that you are. You are such a gift to everyone who meets you, and I want nothing nor no one, to stop you from giving it.

I know you will struggle, and I want you to. “A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.” You have to struggle to grow. You have to be uncomfortable to grow. Don’t shy from tough situations, be okay with being uncomfortable. You simply can’t work on building grit and determination, unless you’re in a tough spot. Be grateful for them, and how they’ll make you a better person later on.

Gratitude can solve any problem. Shifting your perspective so you don’t suffer as much mentally, is the most valuable practice you can do. There’s always good things and bad things in every situation. Choose to focus on the good. Find a way to look at things differently if they upset you, find a way to be grateful.

I told you one of my favorite movies was “Arrival” because it helped me realize that even if I knew I was going to suffer the worst pain imaginable in losing you, I’d never give up the time I got to know and love you. I might be physically gone, but we had each other, and we got to know this love. That is always worth the pain of loss.

I could never have imagined how much love I could feel for you, so I hope you’ll do the hard thing of raising a child, and getting to experience that love yourself someday. It is the hardest, but most wonderful thing a human can ever do, and it can teach you the meaning of life. If you cannot have children, just be around them, be involved with them. Help a mother who needs help with hers (they all do!)

Never close your mind off, always be learning and open. We don’t know everything, and while I don’t believe in any of the man-made religions, there is definitely something bigger than us. I don’t think it’s meant to be fully understood. Turning inwards, and seeing what we feel when we quiet our minds, is the best way to know what is true. Anytime you need to close your eyes and feel me, to hug me in your mind’s eye, to have me hold you, and kiss your forehead, I’ll be there with you.

Know that crying is a necessary release for your body, a tool we’re given to deal with our shared human pain. We have so many available to us: nature, friendship, walks, music. Use them as much and as often as you need, until that incredible smile comes back for me. My soul lives through you now. Show me the beauty of the earth, show me more kindness and human connection. Show me the bluejays in our backyard in the morning, the beautiful trees, cute animals, and how sunlight glitters on a beautiful body of water. 

Always consider feedback as an opportunity to improve, it’s a gift, but never let anyone make you feel less than. You are inherently wonderful and worthy. Nothing can change that. Don’t let anyone, or any situation, ever make you feel different, especially yourself.

Learn to meditate. Test until you find one that works for you. I loved sound bowl group meditations. Learn that when you just relax and be mindful, not thinking about the past or the future, that joy comes. There is a natural peace and wisdom that exists if we just stop and listen to it. And I will be there, loving you always. I will be there to counsel you, all the days of your life, but there is no one I trust more to make great decisions than you.

I excitedly await seeing you smile again. I love you so much.

-Your Mama